Writing a pen pal profile people want to answer

A pen pal profile has a strange job. It has to make a complete stranger want to sit down and write to you, and it has to do it in a few short paragraphs, next to dozens of other profiles saying almost exactly the same thing. Most profiles fail not because the person behind them is dull but because they describe that person in words that could describe anyone. This guide is about writing one that gets answered — by the kind of person you actually want to hear from.

Why most profiles get no letters

Read twenty pen pal profiles in a row and you will notice how alike they are. "I am friendly, open-minded and easy-going. I love music, travelling, films and meeting new people. Looking for long-term friends from all over the world!" There is nothing wrong with any of it. It is just impossible to write to.

Think about it from the reader's side. To write a first letter to someone, you need a way in — something you can react to, ask about or share. "I love music" offers nothing to hold on to. Which music? Do you play it, collect it, go to concerts, sing badly in the car? Every reader would have to ask the same question, and most will simply move on to the next profile instead.

The good news is that this is easy to fix, and fixing it does not require you to be more interesting. It only requires you to be more specific.

Specifics beat adjectives

Adjectives about yourself are the weakest words on a profile. "Kind", "curious", "funny" and "open-minded" are things everyone believes about themselves, so they tell the reader nothing, and they are also things you cannot prove by saying them. A funny profile is more convincing than the word "funny".

Replace each adjective with a fact. Instead of "I love reading", try "I am working my way through every book on a list of the hundred best novels, and I am stuck on number thirty-seven, which is eight hundred pages about whaling." Instead of "I like cooking", try "I make my grandmother's soup every Sunday and it is never quite as good as hers." Instead of "I love travelling", try "I have been to four countries, and the best meal of my life was in a petrol station in Slovenia."

Each of those sentences says something about your personality without naming it, and each one gives the reader an obvious first question. That is the trick: a good profile is mostly a collection of things people can ask you about.

Give people something to write about

The best profiles do half of the first letter's work for the reader. Alongside a few specific facts, they offer an open door — a question, a subject, a thing you would love to hear about.

"I would love to hear what a normal school day looks like somewhere that is not the Netherlands."
"If you know a good recipe that uses up stale bread, I need it."
"Tell me about the strangest tradition in your town. I will tell you about ours, which involves cheese."
"I am trying to read one book from every continent this year. Recommend me one from yours."

An invitation like this does two things. It makes the first letter far easier to write, so you get more of them. And it filters a little: the people who answer it are people interested in the same sort of conversation you are. If you want a running start on finding a hook, the letter prompt generator is as useful for profiles as it is for letters.

Say what kind of correspondence you want

A profile is also where you set expectations, and it is far kinder to do that up front than three letters in. Pen pals differ enormously in what they are looking for, and most disappointments come from two people who wanted different things and never said so. A sentence or two on each of these saves a lot of trouble:

Pace. "I usually reply within a week or two" or "I am a slow writer — expect a letter a month, but a long one." Neither is better. Both are useful to know.
Length. If you love long, rambling letters, say so. If you prefer shorter, more frequent ones, say that instead. People who write three-line messages and people who write three pages rarely make each other happy.
Language. Which languages you write in, which ones you are learning, and whether you would like corrections. "Learning Spanish, B1-ish, please correct me" tells a potential pen pal exactly how to help you. Our guide to language exchange by letter covers how to set that up well.
What you are not looking for. If you only want friendship and not romance, or only want to write and never move to a chat app, a short, calm sentence saying so is perfectly reasonable.

If you use airmail mode on PenPalConnect, where letters arrive a day after they are sent, it is worth mentioning on your profile too, so that people who want instant replies know to look elsewhere and people who enjoy waiting know they have found a kindred spirit.

What to keep off a profile

A profile is public, or close to it. Anyone can read it, including people who are not looking for a pen pal at all. Write it as though it will be read by a stranger with bad intentions, because occasionally it will be. That rules out:

Your full name, home address, phone number or email address.
The name of your school, your employer or your exact workplace.
Your usernames on other apps and social networks. They usually lead straight to far more personal information than you would ever put on a profile.
Your routine in identifying detail — "I run along the river at six every morning" is fine as a mood; with a neighbourhood attached it is a map.
Anything about money, debts, or wanting help. It attracts exactly the wrong kind of attention.

You can still be warm and specific without any of this. "A small town on the coast in the north of Spain" is lovely and safe; the name of your street is neither necessary nor wise. For teenagers in particular, a city or region is plenty. There is more on this in our guide to pen pal safety for families.

Photos

Whether to add a photo is entirely up to you, and many good pen pals never use a face photo at all. If you do, a few simple rules help.

Choose a picture that looks like you now, not five years ago. Avoid anything that shows your house number, your car's registration, your school uniform or a recognisable view from your window. Think twice about photos with other people in them; they did not agree to be on your pen pal profile.

A photo does not have to be of your face to say something. A picture of your bookshelf, your bicycle, your terrible attempt at bread or the view from a hill near your home can be a better conversation starter than a selfie, and it gives away much less. On PenPalConnect you can also keep photos pixelated until you have exchanged letters with someone, which means your face is only seen by people who have actually written to you. You can also verify yourself on video, which tells other members that you are who your profile says you are, without your having to share anything more.

Length and tone

A profile does not need to be long. A hundred and fifty to three hundred words is usually plenty: enough for a handful of specific things, an invitation and a line or two about what you are looking for. Long profiles tend to read like a list; short ones like a shrug.

Write it the way you would write a letter, not a CV. Use full sentences. Let a bit of your sense of humour show. Avoid long lists of rules about who should not contact you — a profile that is mostly demands puts off the very people who would have been good pen pals. One clear sentence about what you want is better than ten about what you do not.

And update it now and then. Your life changes, and a profile that still says you are "about to start university" three years later quietly tells readers you are not very active.

Before: a profile that gets ignored

Hi! I'm 27, from Poland. I am friendly, honest and open-minded. I like music, films, books, travelling and nature. I am looking for pen pals from all over the world to share our cultures and become friends. Write to me!

Nothing about this is false, and the person who wrote it may be wonderful. But there is not one thing in it that a stranger could pick up and write about, and it is very nearly identical to hundreds of other profiles.

After: a profile that gets letters

I live in Wrocław, in the west of Poland, in a flat with a balcony far too small for the number of plants I keep buying for it. I work in logistics, which means I know a surprising amount about how bananas get from Ecuador to your supermarket — ask me anything.

Lately I have been learning to make pierogi properly (my grandmother says I am still "not bad"), walking in the mountains whenever I can get a long weekend, and trying to read more books by writers outside Europe. Tell me one from your country that I would never find on my own.

I write in English and Polish, and I am learning Italian from a very low starting point, so corrections are very welcome. I like long letters and I usually reply within a week or two. I am looking for friendship and conversation, not dating.

It is not much longer than the first version, and it is not trying very hard. But a reader can now write to this person about plants, bananas, dumplings, grandmothers, mountains, books or Italian, and they already know how long a letter is welcome and what kind of friendship is on offer. That is what a profile is for. Once someone does write, the guide to writing a first pen pal letter will help you answer in kind.