✉️ What to write in your first pen pal letter

The first letter to a new pen pal is the hardest one you will write. You know nothing about each other, you do not know how formal to be, and the blank page seems to want something clever. It does not. It wants something answerable. This guide is about writing a first letter that the other person can actually reply to — which is the only thing a first letter is for.

The job of a first letter

A first letter has one job: to make a second letter easy. It is not an autobiography and it is not an audition. The reader should finish it with a clear picture of one or two things about you, at least one thing they are curious about, and at least one question they know how to answer. If they finish it thinking "that was nice, but what do I say?", the letter has failed, however well it was written.

That is why the most common first letter — "Hi! I'm Anna, I'm 24, I like music, films and travelling. What about you?" — so rarely leads anywhere. Every fact in it is true of half the planet, and the question at the end asks the other person to do all the work. It is not rude. It is just impossible to answer with anything but a list of their own.

Open with where you are, not who you are

You do not need a formal greeting beyond "Dear Kenji" or "Hi Kenji". What helps is to begin with the moment you are writing in. "It is half past nine on a Sunday evening here and it has not stopped raining since Thursday" tells your reader more about your life than three adjectives describing your personality, and it gives them something to answer straight away: what is the weather doing where they are?

This is the oldest trick in letter writing and it still works because it does two things at once. It places you somewhere real, and it quietly reminds both of you that you are in different places — which is the whole reason for writing.

Say why you wrote to them

If you found this person on a profile, tell them what caught your eye. "You wrote that you are learning to bake bread and that it keeps going wrong — mine too" is worth more than any amount of introduction, because it proves you read what they wrote and it starts the conversation on something you already share. People are far more likely to answer a letter that is clearly meant for them and not copied to twenty others.

If you really have nothing specific, be honest about that too: "I wanted a pen pal in Chile because I know almost nothing about it, and I would like to fix that" is a perfectly good reason, and it hands them an easy first subject.

Tell them two or three real things

Choose a small number of things about yourself and give each one a detail. Not "I work in an office", but "I work in an office above a bakery, which is lovely until about eleven in the morning, when it becomes torture". Not "I have a dog", but "I have an old dog called Pip who is frightened of the hoover and nothing else".

Details are what make a letter feel like it was written by a person rather than filled in like a form. They also give the reader hooks. Nobody can ask a follow-up question about "I like reading", but everybody can ask about a dog who is only frightened of the hoover.

A useful mix for a first letter:

• Something about your everyday life — work, school, the place you live, what a normal Tuesday is like.
• Something you care about or are in the middle of — a hobby, a project, a book you cannot put down, a language you are learning.
• Something small and specific to your place — a food, a festival, a habit people have where you live that you suspect is not universal.

Ask questions they can answer

"Tell me about yourself" is the hardest question in the world. Ask something narrow instead, ideally something that grows out of what you have just told them. "What does breakfast look like where you are?" "Is there a word in your language that you think English is missing?" "What is the first thing you would show me if I visited your town?"

Two or three questions is plenty. More than that and the letter starts to feel like a questionnaire, and your pen pal will answer the questions instead of writing a letter back. Make at least one of them a little bit fun. People remember the pen pal who asked them which animal would win in a fight in their country's folklore.

How long should it be?

Somewhere between two hundred and four hundred words is a good length for a first letter — long enough to show you are serious, short enough that it does not become a burden to answer. A letter far longer than theirs is likely to be can feel like pressure; a letter of three lines looks like you are not really interested. On PenPalConnect, some members set a minimum letter length on their profile, so check it before you write.

After the first exchange, match each other. If they write you six paragraphs, do not answer with two. If they write short letters, it may be because they are writing in a second language, and that is worth knowing before you send them a thousand words.

What to leave out

A first letter is not the place for your address, your phone number, your social media handles, your workplace or your school's name. None of it helps the conversation, and all of it is information a stranger does not need. A real pen pal will be happy to keep writing where you are; someone who is keen to move you to another app in the first letter or two is someone to be careful with.

Leave out apologies, too. "Sorry, I am not very interesting" and "sorry for my bad English" are almost universal and almost always untrue. Your pen pal wrote to a human being, not to a novelist. If your English is still growing, you can say so once, cheerfully, and ask them to correct you — that is an invitation, not an apology.

Ending well

End by making it clear you would like an answer and that there is no hurry. Something like "I would love to hear what your weekends look like — write whenever you have a quiet evening" takes the pressure off and gives them a place to start. Then sign it with your name. It seems obvious, but a signature is what separates a letter from a message, and people notice.

An example

Dear Marta,

It is Sunday night here in Leeds and I am writing this at the kitchen table while the washing machine does something alarming in the corner. I saw on your profile that you are learning English to read Terry Pratchett in the original, and I had to write, because I have read every one of his books at least twice and I am still not sure I understand all the jokes.

I am a nurse, which mostly means I work odd hours and eat breakfast at strange times. On my days off I walk, badly, up hills in the Yorkshire Dales, and I am trying to learn Portuguese from a very strict app that sends me sad notifications when I forget.

Two questions, if you like: which Pratchett are you reading first, and what does a Sunday evening look like in Porto? I imagine it is warmer than here.

Write whenever you have time. — Sam

It is not a remarkable letter, and it does not need to be. It is specific, it is warm, it shows Sam read the profile, and it ends with two questions Marta can answer in her sleep. That is a first letter doing its job.